The Power of Written Words

The freedom a blank sheet of paper portrays.

That blank space can paint the picture of a story based inside my head. A story that I may not think to speak, but immediately think to write.

Spoken words don’t always capture the full picture. Sometimes the full picture takes more time to create.

The ideas flow smoother and not necessarily the smooth you are thinking. It never gets created in one try. There are many erase marks and crossed out words.

It’s not that I don’t know what to say, it’s that I’m not sure how to say it. Its amazing how just one word can speak a million emotions.

The thoughts in my head can be going a mile a minute, with whatever the subject may be.

As I illustrate my story, the thoughts slow one by one. Each thought makes its transformation into words. Words on my paper as they purge from my head.

As the paper fills up relief overwhelms me. My head is free. Free of the thoughts I needed to get out.

What needed to be said can now be heard. Not by my voice, but rather by my written words.


The Aftermath of Suicide

The aftermath of suicide is messy. It’s something that leads us the survivors wondering what we could’ve done. It’s no where near a natural death, or I guess that’s by every ones personal experience’s.

The night is your hell, and the day is yet another day you must get through. The demons come when everyone is asleep and you are with yourself. To quiet those demons is quite possibly impossible.

PTSD is real, and its not only if you are being shot at in a war field. The flashbacks, the guilt, the sadness, anger, and the nightmares that leave you in sweats and repeat night after night, that make it 10x harder to get out of bed after you possibly obtained a whopping 3hrs of sleep.

We live in a world where people move on. By 3-4weeks out, the suicide is a thing of the past to most outsiders. “you need to move on”, “why are we still talking about it” are all the very familiar sounds to my ear. People don’t get it. And yes, it hurts to hear those words. It digs deep because your world is crashing and theirs is just the same happy, everything goes right for them people.

But anger. Anger naturally comes up. Anger that they left me, and all I have is a note proclaiming how much you cared about me. When the words “obviously not enough” go through my head before I’m over ridden with guilt about feeling angry.

My point is, there is no peace with suicide. And I can’t say it gets better, because I’m still yet to experience it. But I stick with the idea that it will. It has too. But I suppose like most things it takes time.

-E 🙂


So i’ve been involved with a suicide prevention organization for about two years now, and one of the guys I work with has started an organization (also regarding mental health) called Us4hope. Basically their mission is to promote fitness to improve mental health. Thought i’d share my contribution to their blog. Check their website out.

Throughout most of my life, I have doubt with chronic pain. Pain that never went away and always found a way to interfere with my social and family life. So inevitably as the years went on, depression began.

I’m not going to lie, exercise was not my first choice as an outlet for my emotions. It was actually a doctor that recommended I start yoga. I remember going to my first yoga class and thinking how difficult it was. That sense of difficulty had a level of motivation for me that lead me to continue going to classes to progress. Through going to all the classes, I met a bunch of people who had similar stories to mine. I met instructors that became an inspiration and helped me progress continually.

Yoga was definitely the turning point that lead me to want to try different forms of exercise. Plus, by going to the gym I realized I could build the strength I needed to improve some of the poses in my classes. I started doing weights, and running. Little did I know that just going to the gym would help me mentally feel better as well as physically.

Just recently, someone very close to me died by suicide (you already know this if you read my prior blog). The amount of emotion that came with the event was extremely overwhelming. After a few weeks of not wanting to do anything, I made myself get up and go to the gym. The exercise became an outlet for my emotions. So, whether it be a bad day at home, a bad day at school, or being depressed, by the time I left the gym or yoga, I always felt better. Like a sense of success and ease that I could go and conquer whatever happens in my life.

My advice to anyone that is having a hard time or is depressed in any way, is to try exercise. It is a natural and good way for you to add quality to your life. Plus, you can meet a lot of new people that may be similar to you when you get involved and go to classes, organized sports or a gym.

The Reality of Suicide

Considering my blog is yet to actually develop a topic, I figured I share one that hits close to home for me and several other Americans.

Each year over 44,000 individuals take their lives to suicide. Making this the tenth leading killer in the world.

In February I found out someone extremely close to me was one of the statistics. The emotion’s, are unexplainable and over time I’m just realizing it’s ok to not be ok.

Although most who read this have most likely never experienced this happen (which is a really good thing), I’m sure you know someone who has or possibly have yourself, which is why I’m writing this.

I’ve learned that there are so many stages to how you feel during this phase. I’ve been in denial, sad, guilt ridden, anxious, and angry. I’ve found that even your friends and family don’t always understand what you’re going through. But do cherish those who understand. For me that’s my mother.

I was the recipient of the suicide letter. My heart has never stopped for as long as it did the day I received it. My initial reaction was to burn it and never see it again, but those feeling changed after about two weeks and now I have it in a book on my shelf.

In my situation, there was no closure of a funeral. If that is the case or if you feel that isn’t the best way for you to get closure think of something else. I’m traveling (posts to come) to my persons favorite places in Virginia. Along with me will be a burned letter in the form of ashes and seeds to plant a tree in their honor.

Last, but most importantly, don’t EVER be afraid to get help. This goes for if you feel suicidal or depressed, or if you lost someone to suicide. Someone is always there. I can personally tell you that I have gotten help for my own depression with my chronic pain, and am also receiving it to deal with the guilt and grief of this event. The stigma needs to be removed!

Although some may feel that taking their life relieves their loved ones from having a burden, it’s actually harder on your loved one to see you go. And once your life is gone, you can’t change your mind and come back.

If you feel suicidal, or someone you know please dial the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Someone is always there to listen.

On another note, I figured I’d add some tips and tricks to cope during a difficult time:
• Painting (if you are artistically challenged like me there is such thing as painting by numbers. super easy)
• Gardening
• Any form of exercise
• Cooking/Baking
• Petting an animal
• Cleaning
Although different from some of my blog posts, I hope this helps someone out there. Be back soon, and I’ll be blogging about my trip when I go in a month.

DIY Jar Herbs

So i’d never found gardening interesting, or I suppose I never really thought about it. Lately with a large stress load, I was looking for a new hobby and found this neat idea on pinterest (gods gift to women) after researching “gardening”.

What you need:

  • Mason Jar(s)
  • Seeds
  • Potting rocks
  • Potting Soil

STEP 1: Obviously to have a mason jar. I find it cheaper and easier to buy them in bulk at whatever store you choose. Try to get average or medium mason jars, as the herbs easily outgrow the smaller sizes.

STEP 2: Add the potting rocks to the bottom of the jar. You should try to fill approximately 1/2-2 inches. The potting rocks act as a “false drainage system”. Without this, the water you supply the plant would not be properly absorbed and drown the plant.

STEP 3: Add the soil approximately halfway and pour the herb seeds onto the soil. Then cover the seeds with more soil till about 1/3 inch from the lip of the jar.

Herb plants in general can be kept as an indoor or outdoor plant. They do require being watered everyday and sunlight. For about the first week, I watered every morning and placed them outside. At the end of the day I watered a small amount more and put back inside. They have successfully sprouted on that routine. I now keep  them outside all the time, but still water twice a day.


Hey Everyone

Hey! I’m Emily (hence the nickname Em). I’m your average college student with a love for writing and a passion to be heard. Along with a million subjects to share and touch on.

I’ve been living in chronic pain since 8y/o with two rare headache conditions called Chronic Paroxysmal Hemicrania and New Daily Persistent Headaches. I have basically never lived a day in my life since 8y/o without the pain and with that has come a million hospitalizations.

The pain and all the shit that came with it, made me grow up way to fast. It created an old soul that plays “the mother” role in all my friend groups lol. However I do not define myself as a “sick person”. Yes. I do have an illness but so did some of the most successful people in history. Thomas Jefferson had migraines that put him on bedrest throughout life; Teddy Roosevelt had such severe asthma he couldn’t go outside most of the time. I could go on, however you most likely wouldn’t know the other names unless you are a nerd.

Ok. Enough of the depressing stuff. I’m a professional handstander (if thats a thing) and LOVE my yoga and pretending i’m all namaste and shit. You get the point. Read my stuff to find out more. ❤